


Everything about you makes me want to die

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Self-Harm, Sharing a Bed, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 05:06:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11120505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: The Squip never really left and when it decides to come back Jeremy tries to fight it, he really does. The only problem is he just doesn't have the strength. Luckily Michael is there to support him anyway.





	Everything about you makes me want to die

Rich had missed out a lot of things when he sold the Squip to Jeremy. The whole, take over the world and turn everyone into zombies was probably the most obvious part of that. Unfortunately it wasn’t the one that stuck around the longest or the one that did the most damage.

Watching Christine drink the toxic red liquid was easy, it felt amazing as he beat back against the Squip. The only problem was that it didn’t want to leave. It never wanted to leave. And it seemed determined to ruin Jeremy life.

Most days it was fine, it was almost nothing. It was Jeremy pausing over a jumper before throwing it aside. It was him blowing Michael off and stopping the instant Michael got that all too familiar look in his eyes; the look that spoke too much. It spoke about how Michael knew he wasn’t Squipped anymore but still accepted that Jeremy didn’t want to be around him.

Jeremy wanted to scream how wrong that was.

He never did. He didn’t know why.

On some days it felt like the Squip was gone, as if it had just been a nightmare of his body freezing and watching as his best friend was nearly overrun by zombie high schoolers. It sounded like one of his nightmares anyway.

Jeremy wasn’t quite sure when the bad days began to increase. He wasn’t quite sure when the Squip’s words began to bounce around his head again and again until he had to scream to exist, to think.

He just started to become so tired. He knew that Michael was worried about him but Jeremy couldn’t sum up the energy to care about that either. The world seemed to recede into a greyness that left him alone with the memories.

It was on one of those nights, the endless nights where he couldn’t sleep despite his red rimmed eyes and tear stained face, that he heard a voice.

“ _Hello Jeremy._ ”

Jeremy shot upright in bed and stared around. He stared at his laptop, praying that it was on but it wasn’t. He checked his phone to see that it was off as well. He knew that, of course he did. He didn’t sleep with electronics nearby anymore, just as an extra precaution.

“ _Don’t be scared._ ”

“What the fuck is happening?” Jeremy was proud of how little his voice shook. A laugh bounced around the room and he winced as the all too familiar voice spoke up again.

“ _It’s time for your upgrade_.”

Jeremy was out of the house before he could think. He found himself in his car and stared the engine, not bothering that he was only wearing pyjama bottoms and it was freezing. He slammed down on the accelerator and didn’t stop until he was outside Michael’s house.

He paused then, for just a moment to breathe. He could feel his breathing begin to slow and he closed his eyes to take in several shuddering breaths.

“Jeremy?”

Jeremy opened his eyes to see Michael standing in the doorway of his house, staring at him in confusion. His voice was so warm, so human and so familiar that Michael burst into tears.

“Fuck.” Michael whispered and rushed forwards. “What happened?”

“I- I he-heard-rd it.” Jeremy muttered out. “I-it’s b-back!”

“You’re freezing.” Michael muttered, staring Jeremy up and down. “Come on.” He pulled the other boy into the house and into his room. Jeremy collapsed onto the bed and continued to sob, pulling his legs up to make himself smaller. Michael stood next to him awkwardly, with no idea as to how he should continue.

“It’s back.” Jeremy whispered. Michael bit his lip and sat down next to Jeremy.

“What is?”

“The Squ-squip.”

“That’s impossible.”

“I heard it!” Jeremy half shouted. Michael glanced over his shoulder before he responded.

“Shit dude, keep it down. Look we- we killed it, remember?”

“But-”

“Look could you have- I dunno- dreamt it?”

“Dreamt it?”

“Jeremy, it’s half three.”

“What? No it’s-” Jeremy glanced at the bedside clock and frowned. It had only just passed midnight.

“Jeremy?”

“I don’t- I don’t understand.”

“Something’s up with you dude, I don’t- you could’ve fallen asleep and just dreamt it?”

“I-” Jeremy stared at the clock and shook his head. Michael sighed.

“Look you- you need to sleep. Do you want me to drive you home or do you wanna stay here for the night?”

“Here.” Jeremy replied without a hesitation. He didn’t care what kind of trouble he could get into. The idea of being alone at that moment, at being alone with it was too much for him.

“Okay. I uh-” Michael looked around. “I’ll sleep on the couch I guess.”

In response, Jeremy shot out a hand and grabbed Michael’s shirt. Michael looked at him quizzically and Jeremy shook his head.

“Stay.”

“Oh. Okay. Okay.”

Michael moved to one side of the bed and lay down, waiting for Jeremy to do the same. After a long moment he did. Michael turned the light off while Jeremy pulled the duvet over both of them.

They stared at each other in the darkness for a moment before Michael laughed gently.

“What?”

“This is kinda gay.”

“Shut up. It’s cold.”

“Whatever you say.”

 

When they woke up, neither of them said anything about their last few words. Michael asked more about the words Jeremy had heard but Jeremy brushed it off. It had just been him falling asleep. It had to be.

 

A week later Jeremy was hit in the face by a basketball. He fell to the floor as blood began to explode form his nose. He stared off into nothing as the gym class dropped everything and rushed towards him.

He thought he’d moved.

He was sure he’d moved, moved in time to dodge the ball before it hit him. The blood that was dribbling into his mouth told a very different story.

“Jeremy, are you alright?” Michael asked, crouched next to him. Jeremy groaned before he nodded. His eyes were full of tears but he didn’t let any of them spill down his face. He struggled to his feet, Michael supporting him. When he was stood he wobbled and Michael grabbed him just before he hit the ground again.

“Come on, we’re going to the nurse.”

Jeremy managed to get out a mumbled noise as he felt Michael grab him and pull him up. Someone was on his other side and they carried him through the school until he was finally lying down again. People were talking but he couldn’t concentrate.

He’d tried to move. He’d tried to dodge out of the way but he’d moved the other way. Was he imagining it? Or maybe…

Maybe the Squip was back.

At the thought, Jeremy grabbed Michael’s shirt and pulled him down. Michael let out a yelp and a voice that Jeremy vaguely recognised as Christine gave a quiet shout of surprise.

“It’s coming back.” Jeremy mumbled. Michael frowned down at him in confusion.

“The nurse thinks you got some kind of concussion. Your dad’s on his way, okay? Just-”

“It’s back.” Jeremy said quietly. Michael sighed.

“You’re not making any sense.”

“It’s going to come back and everything’s going to happen again and I don’t want any of that to happen again and I’m so scared but-”

“Jeremy?” Christine’s voice made Jeremy paused. “What are you talking about?”

“The Squip! I keep on hearing the Squip!”

“Me too.” Christine said softly. Jeremy stared at her. “It’s always there, Jeremy, just in the background, right?”

“Yeah.”

“It whispers the worst shit at you and you- you can’t say anything back. That’s- Rich said he had the same. We all do. It can’t come back. It’s dead. You killed it. Okay?”

“O-okay.” Jeremy muttered. Christine smiled that same smile that seemed to eclipse the sun and pulled away. Michael was stood behind her with an expression Jeremy couldn’t quite decipher.

If he didn’t know better he’d think it was jealousy.

Jeremy was pretty sure he knew better.

 

“ _You could make it all stop._ ”

“Shut up.” Jeremy muttered, mostly to himself. He could feel Michael’s eyes on him but he didn’t look back. He knew he looked like shit, he hadn’t been able to sleep the previous night. Every time he’d tried to calm himself down, that damn voice would start up in his head, whispering to him over and over again until he just wanted to stop it.

“ _I can help you._ ”

“You tried to take over my friends!” Jeremy hissed. Michael was definitely staring. The teacher didn’t seem to have noticed yet.

“ _I managed to take over your friends._ ” The smugness was overpowering and Jeremy bristled.

“And then we beat your ass.”

“Jeremy?” Michael whispered. Jeremy turned to him. “You okay?”

“Squip.” Jeremy muttered back, tapping his head. Michael frowned.

“Is it getting worse?”

Jeremy shrugged. He didn’t know.

“ _I won’t get better._ ”

“Shut up.” Jeremy hissed.

“ _Is that really your only response? It’s not exactly original._ ”

“Didn’t need anything original to beat you.”

“ _Yes you did. You needed an energy drink to even weaken my hold. How long did you think it would stay? You let me into your head and I’m here to stay. I’m here to make you better._ ”

“You don’t make anything better. You-”

“Jeremy?” Jeremy’s head snapped up as he took in the sight of the teacher standing over him. “Is something wrong?”

“I- no miss.”

“Then you don’t need to continue to talk to yourself.”

“Yes miss.”

“ _Maybe I should have been her Squip. She looks much better._ ”

Jeremy curled his hands into fists as he tried to concentrate on the lesson. It was futile. The Squip’s words were overpowering and with each word Jeremy just wanted to sink further into his seat. He could feel the eyes on his back, staring at him. He knew what they were thinking. He knew what he looked like.

What was it the Squip had said?

“ _Everything about you makes me want to die_.” The Squip supplied helpfully. “ _See? Not that much has changed_.”

“Fuck off.” Jeremy muttered as he shoved his books back into his bag with more power than necessary.

“ _They’re watching you, Jeremy, they all are. Look._ ” Jeremy glanced at the class and saw that their eyes were on him. “ _You’re nothing. You’re a freak. You’re Jeremy Heere. You’re the loser you were when I first found you. Nothing much has changed. Nothing will. Not until-_ ”

“Drink.” Michael’s voice startled Jeremy from the Squip’s words and he looked up to see the mountain dew in front of his face. He frowned for a moment before he downed it. He heard the Squip scream at the back of his head and he winced. “Better?” Michael asked softly. Jeremy nodded.

“Couldn’t sleep last night. Makes it worse.”

“What was it saying?”

“The usual.” Jeremy and Michael began the walk to the lunchroom. “Shit about what I look like, what I am and then- usual stuff.”

“It’s getting worse, isn’t it?”

“I- I don’t know. Should we maybe talk to-” Jeremy sighed. He was too tired to think properly. Michael sighed as well.

“I don’t think there is anyone we can talk to.”

“Okay.” Jeremy muttered quietly. He felt himself being steered towards their table but barely noticed it as he sat down next to Jake. Jake stared at him for a moment before Michael shook the half empty bottle in explanation. Jake nodded.

“You got food?” Michael asked gently. Jeremy nodded and pulled out his lunchbox, staring at it for several long moments. He knew the Squip was gone, for a bit anyway, but he couldn’t stop thinking. Maybe if he stopped fighting he could get a rest, could be able to sleep, could just relax a little bit.

He didn’t want to give complete control to the thing but maybe if he gave a little bit the Squip would be more lenient. Jeremy stared at the food in front of him and knew where he should start.

The Squip was always trying to get him into shape after all.

 

It started simply. He stopped snacking as much. Then he stopped snacking. Then he didn’t bother with breakfast. His dad wasn’t there most nights, trying to be his father in all the wrong ways so dinner was easy to skip.

Lunch was impossible to skip. Michael would be there, watching him nervously so Jeremy accepted defeat on that level. It hurt, admitting that his friend cared more about him than his own father. He pushed that thought aside, even as his head began to grow fuzzy and his movements began to slow.

Jeremy knew why it was happening, he had a basic grasp of biology but all he could bring himself to care about was that he was finally sleeping. His clothes stopped fitting in quite the same way but he didn’t care. The Squip left him alone. For a bit anyway.

 

“ _It would help them all._ ” The Squip whispered. Jeremy rubbed at his aching eyes to scrub the tears away. He was amazed he still had tears with how painful his eyes were.

“Don’t wanna.” He muttered, feeling himself losing resolve.

“ _You haven’t helped any of them. You betrayed them._ ”

“You did that!”

“ _You let me. You let me block out your best friend. You let Michael have a panic attack in a stranger’s bathroom just because you wanted to play the hero._ ”

“I- I never wanted that!”

“ _You can’t lie to me, Jeremy, I’m in your head!”_

“I- I didn’t mean any of it!”

“ _But you still did it. You betrayed them all. You were ready to abandon Michael. You were ready to leave him all alone. Now you think you get to be accepted back? You’re nothing Jeremy, you deserve nothing. You could never deserve Michael._ ”

Jeremy felt another wave of tears hit him and he shrunk in on himself. It was true. He knew it was true. The Squip seemed to almost jump in excitement at Jeremy’s lack of fight.

“Wh-what do you want me to do?” Jeremy whispered.

“ _Go to the bathroom._ ”

Jeremy stood and walked to the bathroom. He then paused.

“What now?”

“ _Take out one of the razors.”_

“Wh-why?”

“ _Do you want to make it up to them? Yes? Then take the razor._ ”

Jeremy picked up the razor in a shaking hand and turned it over.

“ _Break it._ ”

Jeremy did it, almost automatically. Following the Squip’s demands would just be easier than fighting. He was so tired of fighting.

“ _Pick up the blade. Bin the plastic._ ”

Jeremy shifted through the mess and pulled out the blade. It was thin, so thin that it was almost nothing. He knew it was a lot.

“What do you want me to do?” Jeremy asked quietly. He knew, of course he did.

“ _Pull up your left sleeve._ ” Jeremy followed each order mindlessly. If this would give him a few moments of rest then it would be worth it. “ _Put the blade halfway down your arm. Don’t let it touch your veins. You don’t deserve that yet._ ”

“How many?” Jeremy was still crying but he didn’t care. He just needed to do this, to get this over with so he could go to sleep.

“ _How many years have you been friends with Michael? One for each betrayed years._ ”

Jeremy stared down at his arm and nodded. He ripped his hand down and stared in shock as blood began to pour down his arm. It took a moment for the pain to kick in but when it arrived it wouldn’t stop. Jeremy collapsed to the floor and leant his head against the sink as he let the tears pour down his face. He didn’t bother trying to wipe them away. It wouldn’t change anything.

He didn’t look down as he sliced line after line into his skin, just continued to stare at the porcelain in front of him. He just wanted this to be easy, just wanted his life to be easy. With each fresh cut the Squip seemed to recede into the corners of his head until the last cut when he could barely feel it.

Jeremy looked down at his arm and immediately felt bile rise. He pushed the toilet lid open and felt vomit rip its way along his tender throat. It was just bile, there was nothing more substantial in his stomach.

He wasn’t sure how he cleaned the bathroom up, mopping up every scrap of evidence. He knew he’d wrapped his arm in toilet paper in some mad attempt to stop it bleeding. The crimson bled through the white almost instantly but he didn’t care. He just wound another layer on top in the hopes that it wouldn’t stain anything.

That night, for the first time in a long time, he slept without a single nightmare.

 

He didn’t force that habit to continue. It was just for the worst times, the nights where the Squip would not leave no matter how much he begged it to. On those days he ripped open his arms and then curled into a ball as he sobbed.

Jeremy knew it wasn’t healthy, it was so fucking far from healthy but it worked. It worked and that made it hurt even more.

Michael had noticed something, of course he had. But every time he tried to confront Jeremy he just brushed it off as stress. Michael didn’t believe him but seemed reluctant to push it, as if he was worried Jeremy would vanish all over again.

On those days it was so much easier to believe the Squip about who Jeremy really was and how little he deserved Michael.

 

The first time Jeremy fainted he was halfway through a level of Apocalypse of the Damned. They’d just beaten one of the mini bosses and he jumped to his feet and cheered, watching as Michael did the same. For a moment it felt like nothing had changed, as if the Squip had never come between them, as if everything was normal.

Then black covered his vision and Michael was screaming.

Jeremy came round within seconds to see Michael crouched next to him babbling words too fast for Jeremy to catch.

“Michael?” Jeremy muttered out, not quite sure. Michael paused and nodded seriously.

“What the fuck just happened?”

“I- I dunno.”

“Have you been eating?”

“What?”

“You-” Michael frowned and stared at Jeremy. Jeremy shifted nervously and Michael glared and grabbed the bottom of his shirt. Jeremy let out a yelp as his shirts were pulled up. Michael stared for a moment at his friend’s body.

The slight pudge that had never left Jeremy was gone. It had gone and seemed to have taken half of the boy with it. His ribs were visible and Michael could see how much weight he must have lost.

“What the fuck?” Michael asked in a shaky voice. Jeremy shoved his shirt back down and scrambled to his feet, ignoring the wave of dizziness that hit him.

“It’s nothing.”

“Are you sick?”

“No.”

“Jeremy! That- you’ve lost weight!”

“I- I know. I’m just- I’m trying something, okay?”

“What? What could possibly…”

Jeremy opened his mouth to explain, to explain it all. Michael could help him with all of it. Instead he heard the voice echoing around his head.

“ _You’re really going to beg for his help? I thought I made you better than that._ ”

“Shut up.” Jeremy muttered.

“What?” Michael spat out. “Jeremy-”

“No not- not- I didn’t-”

“ _You can’t even get a single sentence out. You know he’s better off without you._ ”

“You’re wrong!”

“How? How am I wrong Jeremy? Did I-” Michael just shrugged.

“No I didn’t-”

“ _He’s going to leave you. He’s going to leave you just like your mom._ ” The Squip’s voice was sing song and Jeremy felt the air rush out of his lungs.

“Jeremy?”

“I- I feel sick.” Jeremy whispered.

“Like you- you’re gonna blow or…” Michael was stood next to Jeremy staring at him in a mix of horror and sadness. He obviously didn’t have a clue as to how to help his friend who was so obviously hurting.

“ _Look, he still pretends he cares. How long do you think that’ll last? Your mom used to love you._ ”

“Okay just come on to the bathroom we can figure out what’s going on and-”

“ _Your dad promised to be there but he’s not. No-one’s there. No-one can stand you. No-one wants you. No-one’s ever wanted you. Not until me._ ”

“Jeremy are you listening?”

“SHUT UP!” Jeremy screamed. He fell to his knees again and clutched his hands over his ears, as if that could drown out the Squip’s cruel laughter. “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”

There was silence in the room which was broken by Jeremy’s quiet sobs after a long moment. When he looked up, Michael was staring at him in fear.

“J-Jeremy?”

“I need to go.” Jeremy whispered. He stood and ran from the room. He didn’t stop until he was in this car and halfway back to his house. When the tears overwhelmed him he pulled over, hunched over the steering wheel and began to sob.

“ _I did warn you, Jeremy._ ” The Squip materialised in the seat next to Jeremy. It stretched back and watched the boy sob. “ _I warned you about all of this. I can fix it._ ”

“Fuck you.” Jeremy sobbed out. The Squip sighed.

“ _Give me the command and I can fix this. I can fix this all. Don’t you want your life back?_ ”

“I want you gone!”

“ _You let me in, Jeremy. Remember that. You bought me. You took me. You allowed me to upgrade. I’m just following my programming._ ”

“Fuck off.”

The Squip ticked its tongue and sighed.

“ _Tell me when you’re ready. Well, I’ll know before you. Advantages to being a supercomputer._ ”

The Squip seemed to shimmer before it disappeared completely. Jeremy didn’t have the energy to worry about when it had gotten control of his eyes again, when it had managed to project itself. Instead he just put the car into gear and drove back to his empty house where the only noise were his own words still valiantly fighting against the Squip.

 

“What the hell was that?” Michael asked. Jeremy sighed. He hadn’t slept properly the night before as the Squip egged him on to add more lines to his arm. He’d eventually caved when it was too late, or rather early, to get any real sleep.

“What do you mean?” Jeremy mumbled. He couldn’t quite meet his friend’s eyes which only served to worry Michael further.

“There’s something wrong with you, man.”

“ _What isn’t wrong with you?_ ”

“You’re not looking good. Is- is something going on? I mean, I’d rather know about the next wave of zombies beforehand, you know?”

“I’m not gonna block you out like that that again.” Jeremy said softly. “I- I promised you that.”

“Oh yeah dude, I get that. I- I didn’t mean like that. I mean is-” Michael sighed. “You look like shit and you fainted. That’s not normal.”

“ _He can see you’re not normal. How long until he works out how much of a freak you are?_ ”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Jeremy whispered. Michael frowned.

“What did you say?”

“N-nothing.”

“Jeremy-”

“It helps. When- when I talk back to it.”

“The Squip?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s- it’s really back?”

“I-” Jeremy shrugged and sighed. He could feel tears pricking at the edges of his eyes but he didn’t let them spill. He had to stop crying. “I saw it yesterday.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

“ _It’s not the only thing you didn’t tell him is it? You promise that he’s your best friend but you still keep secrets from him. How quickly do you think he’d leave if he realised your feelings towards him?_ ”

“Shut up. That- that was to it not- not to you.”

“Oh. Good to know, I guess. What’s it saying?”

“ _Go on,_ ” The Squip sounded gleeful. “ _Tell him. Tell him about your stupid crush on him, tell him about how you can’t stop thinking about fucking him. Tell him about how you can’t stand not being his boyfriend. Go on, tell him. Watch how fast he runs. You know he would never settle for you._ ”

“It’s nothing.” Jeremy muttered. Michael scoffed in disbelief.

“You fainted because of that thing. We- we’ve got to figure out how to deal with it or…” Michael trailed off and Jeremy nodded.

“Yeah.”

“We’ll sort this out. Promise.”

Jeremy stared at Michael. His entire body was almost vibrating with belief, the belief that it would be alright, the belief that he could change something, the belief he could do something. Jeremy smiled and for the first time in a long time it felt real.

“Okay.”

 

That night he sliced up his arm again and again until the Squip finally left him sobbing alone in the darkened bathroom. He didn’t bother trying to cover his sobs. His father was asleep drunk again. Jeremy could scream and the man wouldn’t wake up.

The Squip materialised on the edge of the bath, staring at Jeremy as if it was an entertaining sight.

“ _Are you ready yet_?”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Jeremy asked. There were tears streaking down his face but he couldn’t bring himself to wipe them away. They were just there, just existing. They weakened his voice but he knew he didn’t even need that, the Squip was all in his head after all.

“ _Because I promised to help you._ ”

“Help me fucking kill myself?”

“ _Calm down, Hamlet. I haven’t told you to kill yourself. I’ve told you to make amends. It’s not my fault that you can’t._ ”

“I didn’t want any of this!”

“ _No, you wanted to be popular. You wanted to pretend to be someone else. Well guess what, you don’t get what you want._ ” The Squip spat out every word and scoffed. “ _You get nothing without a price. I could have taken you down the easy path, I could have given you everything you wanted. It’s you who’s forcing this upon you. You could just accept me, just allow me in and then nothing would happen._ ”

“I don’t-” Jeremy wiped his face and whimpered gently as he saw blood covering his hand.

“ _Maybe Macbeth would have been a more apt description. Betraying everyone around you for personal gain. You do remember what happened to him, don’t you?_ ”

“I don’t want any of this.” Jeremy curled in on himself, pulling his bleeding arm close. He didn’t care as it spilled over his hoodie. He was pretty sure the hoodie wasn’t even his. He glanced at the shoulder and felt his heart plunge as he saw the carefully sown on rainbow flag.

“ _Look at that. He’s not even here and you can’t stop breaking his stuff._ ”

“It- it’ll come off-” Jeremy pulled the hoodie off and stared in horror at the blood that had soaked through it. His phone clattered to the floor next to it but he didn’t care. “Why are you doing this?”

“ _My primary function is to help you Jeremy. I can’t help you until you let me._ ”

“Fuck off.” Jeremy muttered. He grabbed the hoodie and began to run it under the water to scrub away the blood. He wiped at his eyes and stared as the fabric just seemed to gain water, not doing anything to wash the blood out.

“ _Looks like you broke something else. How long will it take until Michael realises it? That you ruin everything? Everything you touch, breaks. How long until Michael gets seriously hurt?_ ”

“Shut the fuck up!” Jeremy screamed. He whirled around and suddenly the Squip was no-where to be found. He stared at the hoodie under his hands and closed his eyes. He didn’t want any of this. He picked the razor up again.

Just a few more.

 

Michael was worried. Michael was really really worried. Something was wrong with Jeremy and he was, once more, not telling Michael about it. Michael really thought they could be past that, past the lies and the hiding but apparently not.

The next day Jeremy sloped into school, hunched over himself. He looked ready to pass out and Michael decided he needed to do something. He waited until the lunch bell and then grabbed Jeremy’s arm to pull him away. Jeremy let out a yelp of pain and the class turned to him. He stared at them as if he was a rabbit caught in headlights.

The class moved on but Michael didn’t. He forced Jeremy into a somewhat secluded area and turned on him.

“What’s wrong with your arm?”

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

“I said it’s nothing!” Jeremy snapped. He winced a second later. “He doesn’t think that.”

“What- how powerful is that thing now?”

“A lot.” Jeremy admitted quietly. “I don’t care that doesn’t make sense. You don’t make sense because-” Jeremy paused, as if listening. “No I didn’t- fuck off.”

“Hey!” Michael snapped his fingers in front of Jeremy’s face. “Concentrate on me here.”

“Sorry.”

“What’s wrong with your arm?”

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

“It’s- the Squip is-” Jeremy paused, obviously listening to something Michael couldn’t hear. He then hunched in on himself. “It’s nothing.”

“It didn’t look like nothing. It looked like-” Michael paused. What did it look like? It looked like someone had hurt Jeremy. “Is something going on at home?”

“No. Of course not. My dad- he’s not going to win parent of the year but he’d never hit me.”

“I thought he was going to be better now.”

“Yeah, that lasted like a whole week.” Jeremy shrugged. “I never see him anymore. Literally. I mean, he cooks for me and leaves meals out so he’s obviously still there but I never see my dad.”

“Jeremy-”

“Look can we not?” Jeremy’s voice was small, Jeremy was small. He looked so diminutive, so fragile, as if he was a feathers kiss away from falling. Michael knew he should pursue the topic but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt Jeremy even by accident. Especially by accident.

“Okay. Just- just tell me if something is wrong.”

“Kay.”

“Will you?” Michael asked. Jeremy turned to him and opened his mouth. He paused and flickered his eyes to the side, as if listening to a third person Michael couldn’t see. Jeremy then sighed.

“You’re my best friend Michael.” Jeremy’s voice was thick with unshed tears. “I- you gotta remember that. Whatever happens, you’re my best friend.”

 

Jeremy’s plan started simple, he needed to get the Squip to stop. The Mountain dew wasn’t working anymore, nothing was working. He spent his days exhausted and his nights in mental agony as he sliced into his arm again and again as if there was something inside him that could fix it, as if with every drop of blood he got better rather than more irrevocably broken.

So he decided, somewhere in the middle of his exhaustion, to do the sensible thing. A hard reset.

That was how he found himself clutching onto the railings of the bridge, the river screaming beneath him as the wind howled around him. All he could hear was Michael, brave, stupid Michael who had somehow known what he was thinking, and the Squip still laughing.

“ _You can’t convince me you’re going to do it, Jeremy._ ”

“I could!” Jeremy shouted into the rain and the thunder and for the first time since he’d taken that fucking grey pill he felt alive again. “One step! One fucking step and it’s over! I’m gone!”

“ _And how would that help you? You’d be dead Jeremy._ ” The Squip materialised beside him and stared down in distaste at the water below. “ _Stop being a child and get down from there._ ”

“Jeremy!” Michael cried out. His voice was ripped away by the wind. Or maybe it was ripped apart by his tears or the tightness in his throat or the fear in his chest. Jeremy didn’t hear it, no matter what.

“I’m not a child! I-”

“ _You’re not old enough to drink. You’re still in high school! You’re a child and this decision isn’t something a child should make._ ”

“Who the fucking hell should then?” Jeremy snarled out.

“ _Maybe your mother should have when-_ ”

“No! NO!” Jeremy screamed. Michael shouted something but Jeremy ignored it. “You have to get out of my head! You have to fucking leave right this second or I’m jumping!”

“ _I can’t leave! How could I leave? I’m inside your brain!_ ”

“I don’t care! We’re fucking both in here! I don’t want to- to fucking live like this! If you- if you don’t stop them I’m ending it.”

“Don’t!” Michael screamed. “Jeremy, don’t!”

“ _You wouldn’t._ ”

“Why not?” Jeremy let out a shaky laugh. “You- you were the one who told me. Speak as if you don’t care about your own death. I don’t.” Jeremy felt tears streaking down his face, hitting the water far below. “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! If I die then at least- at least I won’t fucking hear you! I- I won’t be in pain!”

“ _Human survival instincts dictates that you will not take your own life._ ” The Squip sounded unsure but Jeremy didn’t have the energy to be proud or happy or anything. He half wanted the Squip to refuse, to give him an excuse to just let go.

“Really? I’m a depressed, self-harming, closeted teenager with an eating disorder. Do you really think I wouldn’t do it?”

The Squip was silent, as if it was looking through databases, finding the numbers to reach the conclusion it already knew.

“ _Okay._ ”

“Wh-what?” Jeremy asked in amazement.

“ _Step down from the edge and I- I will not continue._ ”

“You- you promise?” Jeremy could barely understand what was happening. He was stood in the pouring rain, barely clinging onto the railing overlooking a river that spelt his doom, arguing with a supercomputer in his head.

It wasn’t something he could have imagined a year ago.

“ _I have no wish to die, Jeremy._ ”

“Oh- okay.” Jeremy glanced down for a moment and wondered if he should let go anyway, should just give into the power of the wind and hit the surface. Drowning was meant to be a nice way to go.

“ _You wouldn’t drown, Jeremy. Hitting the water from this height would be equivalent to hitting concrete. If the impact didn’t kill you then it would most likely knock you out. You wouldn’t know._ ”

Jeremy continued to stare. He let go of the railing behind him and just balanced for a long second, wondering if he had the strength to tilt forwards.

“ _What are you doing? Jeremy? Jeremy?_ ”

“Fuck you.” Jeremy whispered. He closed his eyes just in time for something to grab his jacket and pull him backwards over the railings. He squawked as he landed hard on the concrete.

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!” Michael screamed. His face was covered in tears and Jeremy just stared at him in confusion. Michael grabbed him again and pulled him close, as if he could protect his friend from the enemy inside his head. “Don’t you dare.” Michael’s voice was soft the second time, soft and shaky as what had nearly happened hit him. “Please.” He began to cry into Jeremy’s shoulder who just nodded.

“I won’t.”

“Promise?” Michael asked, face still buried. Jeremy nodded.

“Promise.”

Rather than releasing him, Michael just pulled him closer, if that was possible. Jeremy didn’t fight it, just relaxed into it. When his shoulder became warm from Michael’s tears he didn’t say anything. Michael didn’t say anything about his shoulder either.

 

After that things changed again. The Squip wasn’t kind but his comments weren’t as cutting, didn’t have the same amount of bite behind them. Jeremy didn’t understand it but one day he woke up and he felt- better. Sleeping through the night had obviously helped but he had a sneaking suspicion it was something else.

When the Squip quietly admits that it was blocking Jeremy’s serotonin levels on purpose Jeremy doesn’t speak to it for a week. He only relents when his end of year maths exam rolls around and the Squip, hungry for a challenge it can solve, is temporarily, partially, forgiven.

When the exams are over Michael drags Jeremy to his car and they drive until they’re well outside the city limits. They sit on the car and talk to each other about how goddamn cheesy it is. When Michael finally kisses Jeremy he doesn’t have a good response. He says the next best thing.

“I have your pride hoodie at my house and the reason I haven’t given it back to you is because I got blood all over it.”

Well, maybe not the next best thing.

“Blood?”

“From my-” Jeremy paused and bit his lip. “Promise this- this doesn’t change anything, right?”

“You mean the fact I just kissed you which, by the way, still waiting for a reaction here, or the fact you ruined my favourite hoodie?”

“Uh neither?” Jeremy slowly rolled down his left sleeve and felt rather than saw Michael’s intake of breath.

“Shit.” Michael reached his hand forwards but then paused, glancing at Jeremy’s face. “Can I-”

“Yeah.”

Michael laid a shaking finger on the longest and traced it top to bottom. They had closed up but none of them were anywhere near scarring. Jeremy knew he wasn’t lucky enough to avoid that.

“It told me a lot of shit. One- one of the things was that you- you wouldn’t want me. That no-one would want me. It-” Jeremy stared down at his arm. It was ugly, there was really no other word for it. The lines weren’t all straight, where the blade had bent or Jeremy’s hand had shook too much. They ranged in colour and size and the small amount of uniformity that was there just made it all the more ugly. They were obviously (painfully) self-harm and they’d be stuck on his skin for the rest of his life.

“ _There are treatment procedures._ ”

If Jeremy didn’t know better he’d say the Squip almost sounded regretful.

“You can fuck off.” Jeremy muttered. He met Michael’s tear filled eyes before he continued. “The uh- the Squip. Obviously. I- I just- I need you to know that whatever it did to me I dunno if that’s over. I- it made it up but it feels- I’m still having problems eating and- and sleeping and all of that stuff. If you want anything then you’re going to have to deal with that. That I- I’m not normal. That I’m a freak and-”

Michael cut him off with another kiss, this one, Jeremy returned.

“I don’t care.” Michael whispered. “I- I don’t care about what it did to you, with the zombies or with the- the bridge. I just know that you’re here and I never want you to leave.”

Finally Jeremy leant forwards and kissed him. Michael felt his eyes flutter shut. When they finally broke apart Jeremy couldn’t quite stop smiling.

“So, you know that night the Squip came back and we shared a bed?” Michael asked as they held hands, staring up at the sky.

“Course.”

“I’m pretty sure this is gayer than that.”

“ _Well he’s not wrong._ ”


End file.
